Where is my car??

It's been 51 days without my car :( ... I reached my car rental limit last week and I'm returning it today whether or not I get my car back - I refuse to keep paying for it. I still don't know if I will get my car or not, the guy has not called me back yet. I have this gut feeling that it won't be ready so I have a back up plan to go home this weekend. Anticipating a negative outcome I called my sis and asked her if she could come get me - she said yes I just need to know what the deal is with my car.

I hate not being able to fight back, I hate not been to get angry and demand things ... why do I have to understand? why do I have to be 'noble' as one of my guyfriends J describes me? He might be right after all, he says that because I'm that way people tend to take advantage. I know the guys at the shop are doing their best to get it done and I want to see a quality job not a mediocre one so I'm expecting great results - if that is not the case then I believe the evil me will finally emerge (hopefully there will be no need for that, not that my evil side is that scary either).

I want to be mean ... sometimes being nice is not nice.

As for the rest of me, well I'm wish I could just see him ... I miss him ...

I could've jumped!

This morning after seeing the scale finally below those numbers that persecuted me for the past couple of weeks! I'm finally there!! I'm finally 30lbs lighter I could not jumped the same way I have celebrated many 'goles' in the World Cup but I was happy ... well I'm still happy even with my heart aching a little bit.

A new phase is now in the horizon so the new goal is to lose 5 lbs in the next 4 weeks ... we'll see how that goes! I'll get to cry or celebrate here.

The other side of the coin has my poor heart aching ... I just want to cry ... I just don't know what to do so that it does not hurt. I try my best not to let my guard down which is also a bad idea because I keep everything inside. I'm just completely afraid to be hurt but not talking and not expressing myself is also hurting. I want to experience certain reciprocity in the feelings I know I have but struggle to let them go. I wish I could just wake up one day and not feel all this or just face a different reality probably a little bit more pleasant and why not even with much more happy days ... I know I might as well just keep sleeping that way I might get it in dreams.

Why does it hurt right now? ... I don't know ... probably because I did not know how to say the right things ... probably because I'm just too concerned on getting hurt that I'm not letting my feelings flow ... but then again why would I do that if I see no sign of security? ... is like trying to bungee jump when there is no cable holding me and being scared of heights (which I am truly)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! why does it have to be this complicated? ... I should just open a little bit more the door to new probabilities, right now the door is open but not wide open ...

The hardest pound!!

I just can't get past this freaking PLATEAU!! - this is the most difficult pound I have ever tried to lose :( ... well ... I guess the fact that my visits to the gym were not more than once or twice per week in the past three weeks for one reason or another - I guess that has a little to do with it. I know that I have not gone up (menos mal! otherwise I will be crying) yet I want to reach the 30lbs mark already ... I want to start the next attainable goal.

This week, I'm much more excited, I have gone to the gym the past two days and I'll be there today as well, as a matter of fact it looks like an exellent week to make the 5 days. Since the last time with my personal trainer 'S' I have lost 9lbs so hopefully this time around I can make it in the range of 6 to 11 lbs, and re-evaluate where I want to be. Hopefully, I will be able to see the difference by myself not just in the clothes or by comments people make but by finally realizing that I have indeed lost the weight that the scale and the clothes are suggesting.

I will put my very best to end this plateau for next week's weigh in.
:)

Just a little bit!

Well things have a been strange lately, been going from sad, to happy in seconds overall things are going just well - nothing is perfect after all.
Presently, I am enjoying as much as I can the Soccer World Cup ... what can I say ... I just plain love FUTBOL!! ... watching the Cup just brings me back lots of wonderful memories ... I can go back as far as I can remember (trust me many many many years ago) following the games and the exitment around them. So it's been a great escape!!

I will be checking back later, as for now I'm still 1lb away from the 30 :( ... can I just say this is hard hard hard! ... :) ... but it's ok ... I will continue going at it and see if there is a moment when I see the difference and I decide to stay there. As for now, I will start personal training again next week for another month - hopefully I will be able to reach the -35 lbs then.

Got to go ... next game it's about to start ... I'm not watching it but I am following it :)

Conciencia historica ... really?!

Si la vida es tan corta porque nos empeñamos en destruir el amor apegandonos a complejos y un sin fin de pretextos ... cuando en realidad lo que nos esta determinando es el miedo hijuesu a conjugar a plenitud los verbos VIVIR y AMAR con lo que realmente se tiene y se quiere ...

La Familia, la Propiedad Privada y el Amor

Silvio Rodriguez

El derrumbe de un sueño
algo hallado pasando
resultabas ser tú.
Una esponja sin dueño
un silbido buscando
resultaba ser yo.

Cuando se hallan dos balas
sobre un campo de guerra
algo debe ocurrir
que prediga el amor
de cabeza hacia el suelo
una nube vendrá
o estampidas de tiempo
los ojos tendrán.

Fue preciso algo siempre
y no fue porque tú
tenías lazos blancos en la piel
tú, tenías precio puesto desde ayer
tú, valías cuatro cuños de la ley
tú sentada sobre el miedo
de correr.

Una buena muchacha de casa decente no puede salir
que diría la gente el domingo en la misa
si saben de tí
que dirían los amigo
los viejos vecinos
que vienen aquí
Qué dirían las ventanas,
tu madre y su hermana
y todos los siglos de colonialismo español
que no en balde te han hecho cobarde
qué diría Dios
sin amas sin la Iglesia
y sin la ley
Dios, a quien ya te entregaste en comunión
Dios, que hace eternas las almas de los niños
que destrozarán las bombas y el napalm.

El derrumbe de un sueño
algo hallado pasando
resultabas ser tú
Una esponja sin dueño un silbido buscando
resultabas ser yo.

Busca amor con anillos
y papeles firmados
y cuando dejes de amar
ten presentes los niños
no dejes tu esposo
ni una buena casa
y si no se resisten
serruchen los bienes
que tienes derecho también
porque tú
tenías lazos blancos en la piel
tú, tenías precio puesto desde ayer
tú, valías cuatro cuños de la ley
tú sentada sobre el miedo
de correr.