Finally! -20+

It's been a little crazy, a rollercoaster of emotions lately from very happy just enjoying his sporadic presence and very nice moments together to shared sadness with S because of her best friend's passing. I admired her so much for her strength. S you and K are in my thoughts!

To happiness again to realize that I'm hopefull once again of a feeling I thought I could no longer have.

And now, I'm happy too because I have lost 20.5 lbs in this journey I started 11 weeks ago. Yeah!!

Knowing me the sadness and down times are around the corner but I won't worry about them until they are right in front of me in the mean time there are plenty of smiles in the air.

Be back later!

Not perfect after all!

Well, one more weekend is gone and with it many great and not so great moments.
Saturday was a very interesting day, I got up a little 'blue' probably because I would have liked seeing A and it just did not happen. I was not as excited to go see R that evening any more, I did not go to my hair appointment, so I just went for a long walk to the park with my dog (my loyal companion). I kept postponing blow drying my hair all morning (I need at least 1hr to do so) after I came back from the park, my mood did not seem to improve at all, the couch and TV were becoming more and more attractive and comfortable each minute up to the moment my sis called me. She sounded energetic and asked me to join her at the mall, so I got up and went - that was what I needed to start feeling much better. I met with her and V and then E, I have decided not to spend too much money buying clothes (I'm losing so until I don't get to a size I feel great on I have to be smart and cheap in the buying department). They were at a store close to Victoria's (one of my weakness) and well I needed to buy a bra and I got me the new Angel one - my new favorite! ... it's the best thing ever! Of course I had to complement with panties.

Well I started writing this yesterday and now well my state of mind is different - as expected.

But let me try to recapture the moment ;) ... as we left Victoria's I got a phone call from O who told me that R had arrived and of course he put him thru and we talked a little and he asked me to meet them at night so I knew then that I was definitely going no more 'weird' moods or excuses not to go. I could not leave the mall at that point because I had to stop at the cingular store to see what options I had in order to get rid of my cell phone, D was there the same guy that had helped me last year (at a different location though!). At that point I was already feeling happy, thank God for the energy I get from my loving sis & friends, then R and then D added a little bit more of energy and happiness to my afternoon. I was able to 'upgrade' my phone - hopefully this one will last me more than one year. It was getting late and we were still in the mall so we quickly visited two more stores and run out of there.

At that point, my nerves were all over ... so I got home and got a couple of text message from A, I was tempted to just go with him and break my evening plans left and right - except from having dinner with my bro - but even as I felt bad I just couldn't.

Dinner was nice I love sharing any time with my bro, sis, V, & E and any other good friend that decides to come along, of course they were all teasing me because of my 'escape' which started by meeting R and the O's at a bar close to the place they had originally told me to meet them. They were surprise I got there by myself but one of the O's was the major reason no-one wanted to come along. Seeing R was nice but did not have the effect my nerves were anticipating, of course he was sweet and nice and a gentleman that I started to consider more emotions. We took a couple of pictures (which later got ruinned) and I really felt between three good friends but hoping for some kind of magic. We then had to drive to the other place, they offered me to leave my car there and ride with them but I knew it was not a good idea so I drove and as expected R offered to keep me company. The short drive and walks between parking lots and the places were not eventfull. He kept looking at me like waiting for something (or at least I felt that way).

We got to the dancing place and of course I was not going to say no to the opportunity to do some major cardio activity :) ... I started dancing with my lovable OC and then a friend of mine showed up, I had told him about me meeting with R, so he ended up showing up, I danced with him a couple of songs and then met with the original group again. At that point, OC and I were practicing a couple of salsa steps and R came and told him "prestamela ya mucho bailaste con ella" I was very surprise, and I figure here we go! he took me all the way to the middle of the dance floor and we started dancing. Yes it was different dancing with him that it was with OC and his eyes were just melting me away there were moments when we looked at each other and I was the one to look away because I just did not know what to do. I danced with him in a way I have not danced with anyone else before but I was not going to go for a 'first move' (it's just not in my nature yet) We danced long enough and to many different rithms (my God even reguetton which I hate!). We went back to the group and from that point on he became one more guy (not perfect at all), why?! ... well one particular girl who was someboby else's friend started to go for the 'first and some more moves' very openly and forward. He put no resistance - obviously! She started by asking him to dance, then asked him one more time and this time I did not see him come back, I was able to glance one of her trips up and down his neck.

So that's my R story this time ... he is still a great guy but a guy-friend nonetheless.

Update!

Well it’s been almost two weeks without writing so here I am with my brief update of what has happened.

First, the gym! … my God! The ‘I Lost It At the Club’ program has ended, my last weigh in was on Monday and I was very excited because of the results: 17.5 lbs and 11% body fat lost in 8 weeks. This was my first week all by myself, and even though it’s intimidating I am planning to continue and probably invest in a personal trainer by the end of the month – we’ll see. As for now, my weigh ins will be on Wednesdays at work, I won’t be able to track my body fat percent loss (got to get me that scale soon!), I’m hopeful that the regular scale will move to reflect less weight every week. This week was not that productive I only lost 1 lb, I know 1 to 2 lbs per week is the healthy way to do it but still sometimes I wish the results were faster, in any case, now I’m 18.5 lbs lighter than Jan. 1^st this year – yeah!!.

Coming back to the program at the gym, yesterday I claimed my 2^nd place prize ($50 gift certificate in gym merchandise, including personal training) and they also took a picture (I tried to avoid this but I was unsuccessful). This might sound ok but the embarrassing detail was the following, there is a very cute guy I happen to see/notice very frequently at the gym who was a witness of all this, he was waiting for someone and was just hanging around the same spot where I was with the gym manager. I got no shot with him but still it was a little embarrassing (that’s not difficult for me since I tend to be very socially challenged), he is certainly a very pleasant reason to make my trip to the gym in days when my mind tries to drive me away from it, like today!

This past Monday, I had my first indoor soccer game, it was a blast! We won 4-3 after being down 0-3. It was worth missing 24!

I’m looking forward to this weekend; particularly Saturday … R will be in town! … I have not seen him for a whole year. He is the most amazing guy I have ever met. Meeting him 3 years ago brought me back to life after a year of a state of numbness that my painful loss left me with. He had come to spend a week vacation in MD with his best friend who happens to be a good friend of mine, I met him on a Saturday and from that moment on I saw him everyday until he left. We shared lots of great conversations, a couple of silent walks, a night of dancing, two movies, lots of laughs and smiles, God! He made me feel alive again just when I needed the most. There was opportunity to get physical, I believe we both wanted it but because of where each of us were emotionally and of course because I just did not have the guts to go for it, the physical intimacy just did not happen :(. I thought too much (as usual) and was afraid of God knows what!. In any case, he left me feeling great, nice memories and with a beautiful dozen of yellow roses (see meaning below), which I still keep. I told myself I could not settle for anything but the best when it came to a loving relationship where romance would be a vital part. R’s role in my life was to let me see the light again, to see that life was worth living with its sadness and happiness together. He went back to his country and his life and I stayed to face life with a much lively approach once again!. I saw him last year, I visited his country during “Semana Santa” and stayed in his place in the way to and from the island I had as a final destination. He could not be any sweeter and nicer the few minutes I got to see him. We might not get to spend much time together this coming Saturday but I will see him nonetheless, my heart will be happier. Life put him in my life as one more valuable gift of friendship.

“Yellow roses signify strong feelings of pure joy, gladness, happiness and friendship, but were once used to convey jealousy. Friendship is the main meaning of the yellow rose but it also signifies familiar love and domestic happiness. Yellow roses also symbolize fun and freedom. Today, the yellow rose is used to embrace a new beginning, apologize or express sympathy, and to say, "remember me", "I am sorry', or "I care." Yellow roses are appropriate for marking the beginning of a new life together or for starting all over again. A Yellow rose with red tip indicates friendship falling in love.”

Starting to Believe!

It’s Friday and is the birthday weekend for two of my much loved ones (mom and V) yet my mind has decided to put this sad emotion on me this morning. I’m pretty sure I know the reason of this sadness, and as I think more and more the words this guy told me last year come to mind “… you have this wall around you that does not make it easier for people to get close to you …” He got me thinking and of course I knew it was true but did not care much because I was not interested in getting any closer anyway but now what I have realized is that this damn wall can get so tight around me that I can hardly breathe at times. This morning was a very typical case …. I know it was the product of a conversation I had last night with K. I talked about one of my deepest emotions and I pretended to be this strong woman who won’t let people see her cry, so the emotions were strong but I held them back and disconnected from them, went to sleep and to then face sadness to the maximum exponent this morning when the tears could not be stopped any longer (but no one was watching – so it was ok).

In the process of writing this, I’m feeling much better but because I just got this cheerful phone call just in time … I’m back to wanting to smile and laughing … Thank you V for helping me find a smile this morning!

I think we’ll have a great weekend! :)

I will work harder on tearing this wall down.